Slow and steady . . .

Today I was given a glimpse into the past. One of my coaches, Geo, shared a video clip with me, taken the first month I started Crossfitting, in January 2010.

Wow. First of all, my butt looked so big! The video shows me standing on a huge pile of weights to do pull-ups because we did not have many boxes at that time. There I am, slowly working my way through jumping pull-ups! Did I mention my ass looked big, and not in the cute ghetto-booty way that I am known for?!!!

Reggie is also in the clip doing something with a PVC pipe. It makes me wonder if our coaches thought we'd last! We looked like a fat couple that would give up after a few weeks of sweat.

The lesson: Sometimes I get discouraged, because I want to bounce back to being as strong and fit as I was before my injury. But tonight I was able to SEE where I was a year ago and I'm confident that I will continue to grow stronger and fitter with every passing month. Slowly and steadily, I'll get there . . .

In the meantime, I want my coaches to share that video clip with every newbie. I want them to know that I started exactly where they are, probably in even worse shape, and that soon enough they'll be faster, stronger, and healthier.

A test of character

“You only ever grow as a human being if you go outside your comfort zone.” This quote, which is painted on the wall of my gym, often runs through my mind during a workout or even during my week.

It’s easy to associate this quote with the physical sense, especially at the gym. But today, I had a good dose of the emotional context of stepping outside my comfort zone . . .

. . . I was all smiles. My heart raced, a mixture of too much coffee and excitement to be back! It has been 5 months since I’ve been able to do a regular Crossfit workout due to an unrelated injury. As an athlete, this has been incredibly frustrating. During the warmup, everyone cheerfully welcomed me back. I’ve been keeping up with the gym, but often only made it in twice a week because I couldn’t modify most of the workouts without changing every aspect of them.

Today’s workout was portioned into two sections: a strength-training workout and a metabolic-conditioning (met-con) workout. I was happy to reach 65# on the hanging power-cleans my first day back. I know with some practice in form I can get that a little higher. Everything was as it should be: I was working out, as prescribed, my best friends were around me, and I even grunted a little on the Bulgarian split-squats.

Then it was time for the met-con workout. The apprehension about doing “thrusters” had lingered all day. Of course, at first I eagerly planned to do 65#. Easy stuff, before my injury I could do 75# thrusters. That’s what I told myself. I decided to play with the weight, do what felt right, and not go crazy my first day back. I warmed up with 60# and decided to stay with it for the workout. 3, 2, 1, go! I had 10 minutes to complete as many rounds as possible (AMRAP) of 12 thrusters, 24 pull-ups, and 24 ring dips.

So there I am, I’m on my 6^th or 7^th thruster and I see Laura has finished and is running over to the pull-up bar. That’s okay, she’s super strong and seems to have a knack for thrusters. Then everyone else is soon to follow her, and I’m still on my 8^th thruster. It had been so long since I’ve done a thruster, I forgot where to place my hands on the barbell. First, they were too far apart. Then, too close. I lost some precious seconds trying to figure it out.

That’s okay, I shrugged it off, got my 12 thrusters done and ran over to attack the ring dips. Fail. I did 6 and decided they weren’t as easy as I remembered and ran over to do regular dips on the box. Ouch. Got to 12. Felt like sitting on the box. In fact, I DID sit on the box! As I was sitting there, I felt defeated. I told myself that I just couldn’t do it. I wasn’t even close to being done with round 1. I looked at the On-Ramp version for beginners. It looked perfect. I almost scaled down. However, I got some encouragement from a fellow Crossfitter named Ari. He helped me get through the rest of the dips.

Then time for pull-ups. I motivated myself with thoughts like, “Here is my chance to make up for those dips! I can do at least 5 in a row without stopping, on a good day, maybe even 8!” No. Not today. I was just crushed when I saw the clock. Four minutes left. How could that be?! Four minutes left and I hadn’t completed my first round?!! Those thoughts were damaging. I strung together 3-4 pull-ups at a time.  I asked Ian to strip the weight off my bar so I could do quicker thrusters. I had to make up for this slowness somewhere in the workout.

The thoughts kept whirling through my head. “Slow. A failure. Out of shape. But, was I ever in shape enough to do a workout like this, and do 1 or 2  more rounds? I couldn’t imagine it. Maybe I’m not cut out for this shit. How can I tell my coach, when he asks me how many rounds I completed, that I only did one?” I pictured squeaking it out like a little mouse. I thought about pretending I could do more. Yes, for about 20 seconds I actually considered lying. But I decided I would just stand near Ian when it was my turn to report in and just whisper it to him. That was my plan. Even now, my eyes well with tears at the embarrassment and shame I felt.

But then I heard the others reporting in. Apparently, the quicker people completed only two rounds. Some of these two-rounders had lighter weight than me.

The realization that we were just given a workout, asked to complete as many rounds as possible, and that only completing one round was not an indicator of total failure, slowly became apparent to me. Since when do we ever get AMRAP workouts, and two-three rounds is what the best Crossfitters achieve? Since today. My first day back.

I am proud of myself for deciding to stick with what I knew to be right- honesty with myself and others about my rounds. I have never lied about my performance, I’m here for myself and I will not grow if I’m dishonest. I’m upset that I had Ian strip my weight, I could have stuck with that 60# bar. I’m surprised at how quickly I was ready to give up and I’m surprised at how weak I felt.

What an emotional day back. But, I grew. I’m back.  And next week, I’ll be a little stronger. But today, I stand a little taller with some integrity boosting my spirit. After all, "We're forging elite fitness but we're filtering for character." -- Coach Greg Glassman